IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME

In the Philippines, you will meet a lot of couples parting ways with different kind of dilemmas. But one thing is for sure, you will meet 1 out of 10 couples (or maybe more, I am not sure because I haven't took a survey) where they would give the 'it's not you, it's me' reason.

What is this spiel anyway?

It's not you, it's me - is a plain way of saying I screwed up in every angle that only I can see. Or there's more than that where words cannot explain itself. In order to save time and avoid the hassle of explaining and arguing, they would put it as 'Sorry, it's not you, it's me'. 

I am writing this at 3:48 am. Thinking.... and looking back, as to why I can't get through the 3 month dating phase after I've been single for quite some time. Is it me or is it the other person's lacking? 

Some of them called me sick, paranoid, boring or a difficult person to talk to... after my 3 months rule. One said, I became boring because there is nothing new about me. There is nothing new to discover because I only go to office and go home right away. One said I am a difficult person to talk to because I became clingy (or needy) due to some sort of attachment to them. One called me sick because in this phase (that time), everything fell apart and I can't get a grip of myself. Whatever the time period, whoever it was, in this phase, it's the make it or break it phase. 

As time goes by, I learned that those words and labels might be true. And as I evaluate myself, I would like to explain the root of all these behavior of mine (from my own understanding): 

1) Being clingy - Studies shown that a person, being clingy or (let's say) needy came from being deprived of basic needs. I am not saying that I am deprived with my basic needs but let's just say that I am not satisfied with where am I. Unhealthy career, not having a good time with friends because they are all busy, far from the family, and sometimes, being a little bit deprived of satisfying my own needs. So when a person enter the big picture and shows significant value, I slowly turn my attention to that person. And since he serves as my key support network and he can help me relieve my stress from work stuff, I do get attached in a way that they don't like. So they jump into conclusions and bid farewell.

2) Boring - I agree with this (in one way). Even I get bored with myself. However, I am not a boring person in general. I do a lot of stuff back then and I have lots of hobbies and extra curricular activities too. I have my own life that I don't even need a partner to make myself happy. But, here in Dubai, I don't have enough time and resources to do my stuff. To the point that I do overtime just to get paid extra money is the worse scenario that you can imagine. So boring person, check. 

3) Sick - I don't think I am sick as what you're thinking. Though I do admit that my stress management failed me a lot of time. Being independent with a high amount of stress, where I feel that no one understands me, made me numb to the vulnerability of this world. But life is really a tough player, it is pushing me to my limits. I do experienced breaking down once in a while. Then, surrender everything because I can't do anything about it anymore. Or I would speak up and they would say I complain a lot or I am not making any sense. So instead, I keep it in and just wait to explode inside.

So why am I writing this? 

I am seeing one cool guy. He said he liked me and that he understands my craziness. The three month rule of my stupidity has passed and now I am wondering if we would have the same ending like others...

What if it's just a colliding fate for the two of us?

MY OWN SHADES OF GREY

Whenever the word grey is brought up to the table, it's either the color or Fifty Shades of Grey. But some can comprehend that it's a different kind of thing. A thing that either makes your life miserable or makes your life confused.

What is a Grey Area? According to Wiktionary, it is a topic that is not clearly one thing or the other, that is open to interpretation. In some articles pertaining to relationships, the grey areas is where the two persons kept the other one at bay.

But the world with grey areas are not only for relationships. In the past, I kept some people at bay too. But I kept all stuff in there too. Career opportunities, friendships, family, spirituality, emotional growth, anxiety, depression. From my main prioritize in life up to how I feel about myself. I put it there. I hide it.  

It's 2016. I don't want to hide it anymore. It's time for me to overcome these stuff, one by one. Let's start with one issue that I have (or I still have)...

I am having difficulty sleeping at home (still on going yes it's been 8 months now) because of bed bugs and we all know that not sleeping properly may lead to some effects. Every article in the internet says, if you lack sleep, you intend to eat more and thus it will make you gain weight. I know that's true because I gained weight whenever I pull an all night-er session during high school days or college days.

Nowadays, I am stressed for a fact that I am not gaining weight. I am not sure if it's because of lack of sleep or maybe out of depression or maybe because of metabolism details, but I am dropping sizes.

This week was hell again. The longest time that I can sleep without waking up (or bed bugs bites) is 3 hours. The rest will be an hour and an hour and an hour. During the day, I still eat properly. I try not to worry. But over a week, I've dropped a size again. My basis is my uniform because it just fits so perfect. I would know if I gain weight or lose weight if I felt the difference. Yesterday, it was loose. I was like, maybe I am just sexy today (*pun intended) but today, it is way more loose again. Like literally loose.

My friends back in the Philippines were shocked as to how thin I was before leaving on 2014. They said I am so thin. And I know that I lose more. And friends call me the skinny one now.

As you can see, this is all new to me. You might say that I should not stress myself for a change that only happened for just a week or you can scold me and say just move out. But I know for a fact that I really lost weight for over two years. If I will weigh myself, the numbers might say I'm underweight.

No, eating more to gain weight is not as easy as it sounds. I've eaten more than my weight can imagine. So it makes me worry more. Anxiety over weight is one thing of my grey areas and there's so much more.....

PMS, STRESS AND EVERYTHING NICE

After some months, my friend P and I got the chance to catch up on some shits of our life. You know the girl thing where we usually talk about a lot of stuff. Career. Finance. Friends. Family. Fashion, Hair and Beauty Department (but I don't think this is our forte and we give a big shit on this). Extracurricular Activities. And last, guys. Yes. It is included because it's a girl thing!

However, the point of the post is not about boys but about my realization of my stress. I always think of myself as the strong one. I don't take shits seriously but I rant about it after getting it done. Just to let the raging emotions get out of the cage.

I am doing these habits for a few weeks now and it was P who pointed out that these are not small stuffs anymore. That I am stressed as hell. I didn't believed her, not until this morning (3:20 AM to be exact).

Chums came at 3 am which really turned me into a monster who bolted out the flat to find a 24-hour grocery to buy pads. Slept at 6 am and only to wake up at 11:20 AM which was way too late and only to find out that I need to shift my bed from the lower deck to the upper deck from one side to the other side. And that I need to do it before I go to work because the new person will be moving today. The whole morning is really a shit for me.

Took a shower and prepare lunch and shifted all my stuff into the other side as fast as I could then ta-da..... I went mad and the stress finally got in my little brain. Here's my way to admit that my birth month was rock bottom hard for me. I can cry until my eyes puffed 10x bigger. I can keep on ranting about shit. I can keep on ignoring my issues. But I can't keep my mouth shut. That's the thing I know of.

Okay so I finally admitted that I am stressed. What now? I am not an expert of fighting stress but I wanna share this picture which is in the internet (credits to the owner I can't track who are you) which I find useful and which I do in order to not let the stress linger more.

 

 P.S. I know I can't use PMS and my shits as my reason to annoy people or hurt people. But trust me, those stuff was unintentional. I am sorry! I am crazy and shitty as a person too but I don't do shit all the way just to push people away.

Anyway, let's see after a week if I can follow my own advice and be less stressed than today. See you!