IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME

In the Philippines, you will meet a lot of couples parting ways with different kind of dilemmas. But one thing is for sure, you will meet 1 out of 10 couples (or maybe more, I am not sure because I haven't took a survey) where they would give the 'it's not you, it's me' reason.

What is this spiel anyway?

It's not you, it's me - is a plain way of saying I screwed up in every angle that only I can see. Or there's more than that where words cannot explain itself. In order to save time and avoid the hassle of explaining and arguing, they would put it as 'Sorry, it's not you, it's me'. 

I am writing this at 3:48 am. Thinking.... and looking back, as to why I can't get through the 3 month dating phase after I've been single for quite some time. Is it me or is it the other person's lacking? 

Some of them called me sick, paranoid, boring or a difficult person to talk to... after my 3 months rule. One said, I became boring because there is nothing new about me. There is nothing new to discover because I only go to office and go home right away. One said I am a difficult person to talk to because I became clingy (or needy) due to some sort of attachment to them. One called me sick because in this phase (that time), everything fell apart and I can't get a grip of myself. Whatever the time period, whoever it was, in this phase, it's the make it or break it phase. 

As time goes by, I learned that those words and labels might be true. And as I evaluate myself, I would like to explain the root of all these behavior of mine (from my own understanding): 

1) Being clingy - Studies shown that a person, being clingy or (let's say) needy came from being deprived of basic needs. I am not saying that I am deprived with my basic needs but let's just say that I am not satisfied with where am I. Unhealthy career, not having a good time with friends because they are all busy, far from the family, and sometimes, being a little bit deprived of satisfying my own needs. So when a person enter the big picture and shows significant value, I slowly turn my attention to that person. And since he serves as my key support network and he can help me relieve my stress from work stuff, I do get attached in a way that they don't like. So they jump into conclusions and bid farewell.

2) Boring - I agree with this (in one way). Even I get bored with myself. However, I am not a boring person in general. I do a lot of stuff back then and I have lots of hobbies and extra curricular activities too. I have my own life that I don't even need a partner to make myself happy. But, here in Dubai, I don't have enough time and resources to do my stuff. To the point that I do overtime just to get paid extra money is the worse scenario that you can imagine. So boring person, check. 

3) Sick - I don't think I am sick as what you're thinking. Though I do admit that my stress management failed me a lot of time. Being independent with a high amount of stress, where I feel that no one understands me, made me numb to the vulnerability of this world. But life is really a tough player, it is pushing me to my limits. I do experienced breaking down once in a while. Then, surrender everything because I can't do anything about it anymore. Or I would speak up and they would say I complain a lot or I am not making any sense. So instead, I keep it in and just wait to explode inside.

So why am I writing this? 

I am seeing one cool guy. He said he liked me and that he understands my craziness. The three month rule of my stupidity has passed and now I am wondering if we would have the same ending like others...

What if it's just a colliding fate for the two of us?

SNIPPET OF AN OVER-THINKER'S MOMENT

I know I am a certified over-thinker. I think too much. When I am feeling down, I saw this as my weakest point of my personality, and when I am not feeling down, I just laugh at it.
 There are days, that I will read posts about traits of over thinkers, and here's one phrase that I liked. 

"We can’t let things go easily. We’re convinced that if we run over the details of a few more times, it will somehow change the outcome and we will uncover some new understanding of the situation." - 14 Things Only Over Thinkers Will Understand  

To give you an idea, I would like to share something about what happened just a few hours ago.

I was talking to Mr. Lad from the Land Down Under about his perception about himself (non-verbatim). I said trust me you're like this. And he said, trust you? You saw me and was that a request of something? I snap out all of a sudden because I was being honest and his question (about request of something) was a little out of the conversation and inappropriate for me. It is inappropriate because I am talking about my feelings! Can you believe it? I am being vulnerable my goodness! This is scary! Okay back to the topic.....

Anyway, so we exchanged lines and lines to smooth it out and he's telling me that it is just a joke. I am sorry that I didn't took it as a joke but I was hurt. I told him what I felt and said sorry. He said sorry too. But I can't forget the line: "Rochelle, it's just a joke".

The over thinker side of me was alive and kicking from the moment he said he gotta go. In my mind, I am trying to balance it with work concerns and his concern. I was thinking of what he's thinking. And here's a few thought I am thinking right now:

1) Shit. He might get turned off of me because I can't take a joke.
2) Maybe he will reach his limit when it comes to dealing with my shit! We just had a small dilemma yesterday and we ended up bad again today.
3) Will he talk to me tomorrow?
4) Is he mad? Upset?
5) It's my fault of not taking the joke right?
6) But I have my right to feel anything too right?  Like being hurt?
7) I cannot undo this stupidity anymore.
8) Is it possible that he doesn't like me anymore?
9) Are we going to talk about it some other time? Or are we just going to shrug it off?
10) Do all of these stuff sounds as DRAMA? Oh no. NO WAY! I AM DOOMED. IT'S THE END!!!!!!!!!!

*cries*
No I am not crying right now (fyi) but maybe later. Lol!

So, yeah, that's one hell of example of the thoughts of an over thinker. I am not sure if others feel the same way, but the last time I checked, others think like that as well. I cannot say I am proud to be one, but I can say that that trait makes me a unique person (purely in my opinion).