LATERS, BABY

I went to office today, log in into my system and whatever accounts I am using, then I saw this one post from Candy Magazine entitled "To My Ex-Someone - Mikay". I forced myself not to open it but I can't help it so I read it. Phrases goes like these and I quote:

"Because one day, everything just disappeared. No more "Hi." No more calls and messages. No more you. I tried to make contact, but all efforts were futile. Hundreds of messages were sent but no reply even to a single one. Bombarding your phone with calls just because I wanted to reach you became my new hobby. I just wanted to talk to you, I just wanted to ask why. I just wanted a goodbye."

"I know I shouldn't feel this way. Because from the start I knew what we were and what were not. I was happy with you, and now I'm incomplete. I got used to having you. And the sad truth is I should get used to you not being around anymore. Having no closure hurts a lot, but having regrets hurt even more."

 The letter felt sad. But it's true. This happens every day and it can happen to every people for whatever reason they have. And I think I am doing the same thing as well. Maybe we both decided to stop sending texts. Or maybe he was the first one to stop sending text and I gave up of waiting for his text as well? Or maybe I just decided I will not respond to any of his text (in case he send one) for now? I don't know. That's the perks of no closure or misunderstanding right?

I would like to apologize to the person whom I really admire the most. To the person I really liked to be with. To the person whom I felt connected to. To the person who inspire me in small things and through your view of the world. To the person who made me feel that ghost hugs matter (and that it is sweet). To the person I like from a different time zone, Mr. Lad from the Land Down Under.

I am sorry because I can't handle my personal issues right now. I am sorry that there are lots of days and nights where instead of talking about normal stuff, it would turn out (me) ranting of all my crap. I am sorry that I vent all my insecurities and worries and fears to you. I am sorry that my version of being crazy became a negative crazy me just because I can't get a grip of myself out of my own despair. I'm sorry that I need to leave.

Just in case that you are reading this, I hope that one day, we'll meet again. I hope that you'll miss me like I will miss you. I want you to know that I will get a hard time of trying to stop liking you. And I want you to know, if only you can be by my side while trying to help myself, I might be the happiest girl on earth alive.

I will just wander, roam around and let you enjoy life. We might cross one's path may it be as friends or may it be more, I will be happy to see you when that time arrive. 

So for now, not a goodbye, just "Laters, Baby."

SNIPPET OF AN OVER-THINKER'S MOMENT

I know I am a certified over-thinker. I think too much. When I am feeling down, I saw this as my weakest point of my personality, and when I am not feeling down, I just laugh at it.
 There are days, that I will read posts about traits of over thinkers, and here's one phrase that I liked. 

"We can’t let things go easily. We’re convinced that if we run over the details of a few more times, it will somehow change the outcome and we will uncover some new understanding of the situation." - 14 Things Only Over Thinkers Will Understand  

To give you an idea, I would like to share something about what happened just a few hours ago.

I was talking to Mr. Lad from the Land Down Under about his perception about himself (non-verbatim). I said trust me you're like this. And he said, trust you? You saw me and was that a request of something? I snap out all of a sudden because I was being honest and his question (about request of something) was a little out of the conversation and inappropriate for me. It is inappropriate because I am talking about my feelings! Can you believe it? I am being vulnerable my goodness! This is scary! Okay back to the topic.....

Anyway, so we exchanged lines and lines to smooth it out and he's telling me that it is just a joke. I am sorry that I didn't took it as a joke but I was hurt. I told him what I felt and said sorry. He said sorry too. But I can't forget the line: "Rochelle, it's just a joke".

The over thinker side of me was alive and kicking from the moment he said he gotta go. In my mind, I am trying to balance it with work concerns and his concern. I was thinking of what he's thinking. And here's a few thought I am thinking right now:

1) Shit. He might get turned off of me because I can't take a joke.
2) Maybe he will reach his limit when it comes to dealing with my shit! We just had a small dilemma yesterday and we ended up bad again today.
3) Will he talk to me tomorrow?
4) Is he mad? Upset?
5) It's my fault of not taking the joke right?
6) But I have my right to feel anything too right?  Like being hurt?
7) I cannot undo this stupidity anymore.
8) Is it possible that he doesn't like me anymore?
9) Are we going to talk about it some other time? Or are we just going to shrug it off?
10) Do all of these stuff sounds as DRAMA? Oh no. NO WAY! I AM DOOMED. IT'S THE END!!!!!!!!!!

*cries*
No I am not crying right now (fyi) but maybe later. Lol!

So, yeah, that's one hell of example of the thoughts of an over thinker. I am not sure if others feel the same way, but the last time I checked, others think like that as well. I cannot say I am proud to be one, but I can say that that trait makes me a unique person (purely in my opinion).

MEETING YOU IS AN ACCIDENT AND YOU BECAME MY CHOICE

I think this week was a weird week like a roller coaster ride. And why is that if you may ask? I met Mr. Lad from the Land Down Under! Dubai is the final leg of his vacation and on Thursday morning, he went back to his home country.

He arrived last Monday morning which is the first day of the week that I didn't had enough sleep. I was so focused or worried about our plan to go to Oman Musandam. If I will not be able to borrow my passport, we cannot go.

After getting through the day of worrying, they let me borrow my passport for a day. But I think the universe would like to make a scene that's why the tour got cancelled because of the bad weather (waves of the sea, etc.) as per the tour operator. This pissed me off literally...big time! But of course, I cannot do anything about it. So I have to shrug it off. We had dinner and we had interesting conversation about everything.

We started my day off seizing the day by sleeping. Well I think he did, but I had these clients who doesn't understand the word 'DAY OFF'. Like it's the only day in a week that I got! I am already working six days a week times 11 hours in a day. I am begging! But they didn't understand it anyway. Instead of throwing tantrums, I took naps and naps and naps as much as I can get.

We had lunch in Max's (a Filipino Restaurant) and we talked about the stocks and investments all throughout. This is a surprise to me and to him (I guess).

A good time in the pool in the rooftop was the thing we did after some walking. The view from the rooftop was really relaxing, let alone the dip in the pool. I got the chance to hear some stories that I know he can never tell to just any girl. I felt fortunate, and felt sad at the same time to hear the biscuit story. I will never look at biscuits the same way again.

Since it is Tuesday, we went to the weekly meet-up in Crowne Plaza then to the after party which is in The Rodeo Drive. The night didn't end up as a great party since I had a breakdown due to personal issues, but I am so thankful that he's there. I felt sorry that I wasn't able to tell him the issue that I saw coming but his care was enough.

At The Rodeo Drive with friends

Wednesday. The last full day of his trip which is the final leg of his vacation. I got mixed emotions since I have to work 'til late at night but I am happy for him because he was able to do his one must-accomplished thing to do in Dubai, snowboarding in Ski Dubai.

The last dinner. The highlight of his trip for me. This is the night that I told him to look for the note that I wrote for him. So when I asked him to look for it, he already knew where it was and he just pulled it out. I found out that he went for a visit during the day to look for it. I asked him to write a note for me. And that's him, so focused and serious. He told me to come and read it when he left. *dug dug dug dug* 

At KimChikin

The last night of his stay in Dubai includes him taking pictures of me. I want him to delete it because I look so wasted and silly but he said he doesn't want to because he liked it. And because he know I can sing a little, he asked me to sing, for him. The favorite song that I do know very well is I'd Rather - Jasmine Trias. Good thing he doesn't know the song. But I think the message of the song is okay and suits the moment. 

We watched and talked about some movie clips with movie soundtracks then we reached the point of playing 'Falling Slowly' from the movie 'Once'. I was so surprised that he know this movie. We both love the song! I was singing the song like whispering it to his ear while my feet is on his feet (like when you dance slowly). I felt that was one of the sweetest moment of his stay. It was so simple yet very memorable to me. 

Last Morning in Dubai 

He checked out the next morning and he asked me to go to airport (I think he did?). Good thing is that I am wearing jeans (or at least casual) because I was planning to wear shorts only for me to go home directly.

At the airport, he checked-in his luggage already and the tension is there for me. He didn't went in first and he decided to stay for a few more minutes. I cannot picture out what is he thinking at that moment. I regret that I wasn't able to say all the stuff that I want to tell him personally, like telling him directly in his face that I like him. As to what written in my note, I will confess my feelings before he leave Dubai.

And this is it. It is now or never. But... it is his time to go in. Damn!
I cannot remember if he said he's going in or I pushed him to go in. I didn't care anymore if we're in a Muslim country. I let him kiss me on the cheeks and hug him tight that I don't want him to let go. But I know that if I stay for another minute, I know I will not be able to let go. So I think I pushed him away.

I hate saying goodbye, as well as dropping someone off especially in airports. He's walking towards the counter and I am wishing (I have to use this word) that he will not look back. I think it will be easier if he will not look back. But he did. Oh no. He kept looking back at me til' he passed that counter for him to cross the immigration.

He stood there, waving his hands as a formal goodbye. I don't want to stare long cos' I'm afraid that sadness might crawl into my skin. I think it was me who turn my back first. And when I did, I realized one thing. It is not that I am not confident about myself. It is that I am afraid that you will just be a 'too good to be true' guy for me. That the happiness you brought is just until here. No part 2, part 3, part 4. Like a holiday romance.

And I don't want that to happen. I am too scared.

CONFESSION PART: (Since I am too afraid to tell it in your face...)
I like you as I like my cup of instant coffee everyday, sweet and always there for me. It keeps me awake and you awakened the mushy part of me. I know I say it often that I don't like it much but knowing you makes me think of mushy things with you.

I like how you open yourself to me.
I like how you accept my silliness... and how you accept me for saying I am crazy.
I like how you find my silly pictures good.
I like the sound of your voice. It's like a lullaby from my noisy and chaotic world.

I like you because it feels like you're the other crazy half of me.
I like you because you are YOU.
The warmth, the connection, the sweetness, the real you.

I like everything about you that it makes me realized that you're not just 'some guy'. You're the guy.

I once read in a book (Anna and the French Kiss) that:
"For the two of us, home isn't a place. It is a person. And we are finally home."

And you felt home to me....

I like you and I want to be there for your side as your friend. Or more than that, if you will chose me.

MR. LAD FROM THE LAND DOWN UNDER

One Friday night last month, I am planning to stay in since I already went to party on Thursday night with my CS friends and our guest/friend, Felix from Germany. However, Felix, will be leaving on Saturday afternoon, heading to Philippines, and he insisted that I should go out and party. He told me we should ‘finish what we started’.

I am not in a good mood that day. I was so jealous of the other group who went to the Yacht Party. But there's no point of my tantrums, so I decided to go. We went to Pacha first but they didn’t let us in because some of us wore casual attire ONLY. It’s our bad we didn’t checked the dress code before coming. So we end up in Barasti… again. 

Our friend from Couchsurfing, Alfredo, came to Barasti with a friend. I didn’t noticed him when he was introduced, because my mind is out of nowhere. After quite some time, 3 hours (or less), I had a chance to meet and talk to this guy. He sounds so interesting. Or I found him interesting. At that moment, I knew I had to do something, I have to get in touch with him. So I asked how can I reach him? Facebook. Of course (because I am too shy to ask for his number/WhatsApp!). I told him my phone died (which is true) and he's happy to send me a friend request. 

The next day, I did the first move. Send a message: a thank you note with this and that. It took me so long to hit the send button because I was pondering if my grammar was correct or do I sound so clingy already or something. After sending the message, I literally waited for his reply. As far as I can remember, he didn't respond back SOONER. But he did! Thank goodness! Because if he didn't, I must have been long dead with embarrassment. Hahaha!

We talked a few times after that night. And it just became more often. And a habit for me *winks*.
We probably talked about all things. From our personal information, career background, origin of families, culture of our (two different) countries, passion, hobbies, relationships, travel preferences, couchsurfing experiences, friends, etc.

There's something with Mr. Lad from the land down under. I thought he's just another guy who will be a guy friend from another hometown. But it seems to me that when we talk, we are more likely one person separated into two. There are no dull moments. No dead air.. (YET - I hope this doesn't end!)..

We both agree that we just clicked. We both believe that sometimes talking to other person seems to be a struggle, but between us, it's effortless.

It's funny that I get too giddy whenever he will send me pictures and his selfies. I get too giddy and happy whenever I received any messages from him. When I have bad days, he asks me if (him) sending a picture to me will cheer me up? And of course, it will.

I feel like I am being a teenager again. The giddiness and simple happiness he can bring. The flow. I liked it. I am contented. But, I feel scared sometimes. Maybe it's just me who can feel this thing. Or maybe I am just giddy because this (chatting) is the only thing that we have? Like we don't get to know about one another personally?

Since we are both living in a different land, I don't know.

I'll find out TOMORROW. He's in London right now and he'll be arriving in Dubai tomorrow morning.

I will be meeting him tomorrow night. I feel nervous. Tensed. Nervous. Tensed.
I am excited of course. I want to know if this giddiness out of me is real. And let's see how it goes.

DISCLAIMER: I am happy being friends with him. But I think I like him in some ways he can't understand. I hope he's not reading this!

I'll keep you posted!